My Life as a Celebrity

I'm actually a celebrity wherever I go. In fact, it can be rather awkward when I go to a restaurant or bar--for the SECOND time in my life--and the host, waiter, or manager says, "You're back! So glad to see you again! We've saved a special table for you."

Yes. It is very Godfather-esque. And it has nothing to do with my connection to an organized crime family. It is just because people remember me (for obvious reasons--you don't run into a wheelchair girl who's as attractive as me every day!), and if they see me a second time, they love to point it out.

This has led to some awkward situations. I have "regular status" at every bar I have been to at least once. Most people spend decades of ordering whiskey neats at the same time each night from the same barstool before they become personally known to every bartender in a city the size of Washington. I, on the other hand, am treated with as much warmth and familiarity during my second visit, as good ole Joe who has come in every day since his divorce fifteen years ago.

When my parents came up to meet me for a burger and beer, they were concerned when the bartender brought my drink before we ordered.

"Mom! Dad! I've only been here twice in the past year, I swear!"

"Honey, you know, you should go to a movie sometimes. Read a book. Maybe study more. Do you really want to spend every night in the dark corner of a bar?"

Clearly, they didn't believe me.

It is even worse at restaurants where they have to bring me in through a back door (where the elevator often is). The managers will often give me a sly look.

"You're back! Couldn't get enough of those wings, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah. I love wings. You got me," I deadpan.

Even the homeless people on my street know me. Every time they see me with a friend, they approach the friend, "Hey, Man [or Lady]! I know her, she's my friend! Hey, baby! Can you give me twelve cents?"

That's awkward. I'm like, "Yeah, mister. I awkwardly avoided eye contact with you yesterday, the day before, and last week too. We're real good friends."

It's funny, because everybody means well. The restaurateurs/bartenders are proud of themselves for remembering me and want to make me feel at home, and the homeless people feel some sort of connection to me, since...well...probably since they think that we have something in common--we both face some sort of life challenge.

Me, I just feel a little conspicuous. Dang, Britney, Lindsay, Paris. I don't know how you girls do it. Celebrity life is stressful--especially without the handlers/entourage!